I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Sunday, April 27

Presence to Persevere.

Its quite odd to experience "no drive" to study. Erm. i mean for the past few sems, i have always automatically be in the "study mood" 2 weeks before the exams. Now, 2 days before the paper, here i am still pondering why and whats wrong. I felt like i don't feel the urgency of rushing up the hill this time.

I see myself as cycling to a point of the hill as high as possible till time is up, and i have to make my way down. Given the height of where i will be, will determine if i am able to fly across the bridge at the foot of the hill. Of course, the higher you go, the more energy and higher velocity you have to go down.

Yet, I'm not asking for perseverance to continue.
I'm asking and i need Your presence to help me persevere on.

for in your presence, there is hope.
for in your presence, there is joy
for in your presence is the river of life..

and let me feel the power of presence
let Your spirit fall
Father of all creation
won't you answer my call as i cry out to you O Lord

draw me to the power of presence
let Your glory fall
O God of all ages
i surrender my all and offer my life to you

Heli Dont ask me why 7:11 PM

Wednesday, April 23

My help comes from You
"I lift up my eyes to the hills,
Where does my help comes from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the maker of the heaven and earth." Psalms 121:1-2

Strange enough, or maybe not. I lack a drive to study this time. Partly because its already the 4th sem. Maybe i'm quite tired of chiong-ing for exams. Many other maybes..

Just felt quite lousy certain times of the day when i just feel like i'm not able to attempt question in depth, not able to remember what i read (so many things to remember), feel lousy when i think of how others are going to do so well like they always do. felt like i just wanna sleep when i am so tired of studying, maybe rather tired of trying hard to study but just could not do it.

Yet when i look and think of all these.. guess who am i looking at?

Yes, Goliath.

How big his size is. How smelly his armpit is enough to make me faint. How big his horns are on his heads. How fierce and evil his eyes is staring at me. How many hundreds thousands over flies flying around him that is enough to scare me. How bad his breath is when he open up his humongous mouth. Darn. what a monster.

Same foe i met last semester. Maybe this time round he challenges me in another way. But David is still David. God is still God. If David has to face another Goliath, I bet he will face him the same way. With one stone. One strike.

More importantly, he will still trust in God and still run towards the monster. Don't underestimate the monster, thats what the world will say. Yes indeed. But i won't underestimate my God either. He is the maker of the heaven and earth. what is this monster to him. what is my readings to him. what is my exams to him. what is your problem to him. He is my LORD.

" As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground."
- 1 Samuel 17:48 - 49

I said it in cell, and yes i remember it. I will run towards the monster. with one stone. one God.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:08 PM

Monday, April 21

Flowers for you.

Little flowers big, and small.
Flowers that are opened seen to be like open arms to all.
Leaving the shy ones who cuddles together
Waiting for the right time to show their splendor.

Yet all these little flowers have something in common.
They look up high only to see the rays of the sun.
And never look down to see its shadows.
They will bloom. They will.

And one of the small little flower says, "May my fragrance bring some sweet scent around you. May the colours of mine be seen delightful to you. All of us opened for you - smiling for you."

Heli Dont ask me why 9:09 PM

Sunday, April 20

Shout with joy!
"Shout with joy to the Lord, O earth!
Worship the Lord with gladness.
Come before him, singing with joy.
Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
He made us, and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pastures."
- Psalm 100:1-3

it's important to note how satan can use a person's good point, to turn into the weakest vital point. turn your greatest blessing, into your most painful gift. but well, i think the solution to all these is to remember who is the giver. and he is my God. my Father. my Best friend - Jesus.

Putting this fact in, why would God give you something to hurt you. Be careful when things happen, and how arrows are being shot around. at you? at God? or at the deceiver himself?

Number one is to be sober.
1 Peter 5:8 "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

To recognize and rationalize the situation.

Number two is to pray.
1 Peter 4:7 The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer.

To pray and edify yourself.

Number three is to fix your eyes on the right target.
1 Peter 1:13 Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Fixing your hope completely on the grace of God. Fix your eyes on the right target.

I'm facing a problem too about how a blessing is as if gradually perspectively in my mind becoming something that is going to hurt me. I may not have the best answer and solution..but i'm going to so trust God for who He is and trust this love He has for me to help me through this.

dear god, i acknowledge you are god. and you made me, and i am yours. whatever i have received with much joy, they come from you Lord. i thank you for them. Yet God teach me to not be focus only on the gifts, but teach me to focus my attention on you, that i will not lose sight of you. When i struggle, Lord lift me up above the clouds and calm the storms. You are able i know. I surrender all to you Lord. All to you. Amen.

Heli Dont ask me why 4:44 PM

Saturday, April 19

My God - the Giver.
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?

What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions.

Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."
- Matt 6:30 - 33 (The Message)

Heli Dont ask me why 1:47 AM

Monday, April 14

Be thou my vision
Be thou my vision, oh lord of my heart
Nought be all else to me, save that thy art
Thou my best thought in the day and the night
Waking or sleeping, thou presence my light

Be thou my wisdom, be thou my true word
I ever with thee and thou with me lord
Thou my great father and I thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with thee one

Be thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight
Be thou my armour and be thou my might
Thou my soul shelter, and thy my high tower
Raise thou me heavenwards, oh power of my power

Riches I need not, nor mans empty praise
Thou mine inheritance through all of my days
Thou and thou only though first in my heart
High king of heaven my treasure thou art

Oh high king of heaven, when battle is done
Grant heavens joy to me, bright heaven sun
Christ of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, though ruler of all

Heli Dont ask me why 11:01 AM

Sunday, April 6

Amazing grace (my chains are gone)

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour i first believed

my chains are gone
i have been set free
My God, My Saviour has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love
Amazing grace

i kept tearing during the worship today. just felt like i need and i want to surrender everything i have - my thoughts, my desires, my worries, my fears.. all to Him. I started tearing when we sang "surrender". and i teared more and more and almost couldn't stop when i sang this song "amazing grace". I had nothing to offer to Him other than this broken me..yet He still ransomed me. there and then when i sang..i felt like i just managed to sense a little of His love..just a bit of it and it sets me tearing. I felt so small, so unworthy. But His death on the cross mas made me worthy. And this is His grace bestowed unto me.

"my chains are gone i have been set free.
My God, My saviour has ransomed me."

I've been set free. He has ransomed me. And now..this life of mine is victorious and free. I don't have to lead an unhappy life. I'm set free to receive all that He has for me!*

i imagined my life to be a story that contained much sadness and hurts. locked and unchanged. and now..He has ransomed me, my story has been set free to change to receive many more good things. from defeated and destined endings to victorious and free endings. I don't have to be kept under the rules of the world, i don't have to dwell in days of sadness. I can have joy - much much joy. Because of His mercy, because of His grace. I've been set free.

My life is now filled with many things. Especially His "unending love" and His "amazing grace".

Heli Dont ask me why 8:08 PM

Tuesday, April 1

Spiritual Freshness

Psalm 1:3
"He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."

indeed our roots gotta be deep and so we can always have supply of water from the groundwater to continue to be green and living - to stay spiritually fresh. in this case, this tree by the river meant that the groundwater for the tree is high enough for it to draw upon the water continuously.

the tree yields its fruits in season - there will be fruits in certain period of time.
the leaf does not wither - the leaf does not wither throughout no matter in season or out of season.

water = His words. gotta continue to meditate and keep His words in mind so i won't "wither".

Philippians 4:8, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

gonna keep my mind off negative and discouraging thoughts. why should i be fed by the enemy. i am a conqueror in Christ! I'm not going to give up..neither am i going to fight this battle bitterly. Its time to declare victory not at the end..but now!

Heli Dont ask me why 10:42 PM

Personal